Here and now
While I am looking for the next breath, what I am searching for is in fact already here and has been for an exceedingly long time.
Sitting in the magnificent house overlooking the wind still tranquillity over the frozen lake at sunrise. Again, the resident eagle comes hovering as a messenger, and I get the given hint to ransack the sensations in my body and the feelings in my mind.
Am I ever truly present here and now? Well, yes in a way I think I am. But am I attentive so that all my capacities, talents, and wisdom all together serves one purpose – here and now? I am a person who can seem calm and focused and I am also that to some extent, but on the inside there are often flying around feelings and thoughts, some good of course, but also thoughts and feelings of less good characters, and then we have the dark, wet and cold dungeon. And when you spent time in the dungeon you need to change clothes because you smell of decay.
So, as I am sitting here glancing the beauty over the frozen lake and really appreciate that, my mind is still hacked by thoughts that do not quite qualify for here and now. It can for example be about an upcoming exam at the university, another festival waiting around the corner, worries over budget suddenly aged fifty-six being a student again, not spending enough time with my daughter’s family or worries over health issues just unexpected.
I decide to make an image. It is now summer in my mind, and I step out in the garden in my blue bathing shorts, I lay down on a blanket in the grass to get some sun warmth before stepping in to the lake. The sky is blue, and clouds come and go. The blue sky is my pure soul, and the clouds are all the thoughts that arrive in the mind, some good, some bad and some from the dungeons. Conclusion: I cannot accept to live under a cloudy sky, neither can I for a second think that I can live under an ever-blue sky. What I need to understand and accept to the full, is that in my blue sky there is always going to be clouds in all shapes and consistencies, it is part of the human nature.
You may say that of course it is like this, and it is easy to agree on the obvious, especially during a beautiful day. But on a cloudy day, or even on a stormy day, it can be an unimaginable enemy when the black cloud decides to park right above your head and pour its acid rain on your skull. Then. Do not stare at the sky for the blue sky, just look in front of you, shut your eyes and put down your mind on your breathing while try stop thinking, worrying, and analysing what hell you are doing. This will allow the eagle to return with the subtle winds, and the sky will start to transform and eventually the blue sky will appear just above you.
What I am looking for is here, right now.
I front of me on the table stands the smallest imaginable little glass owl. It was given to me with love. In this little, tiny glass owl, I have all I need.