“We meet at Stockholm Arlanda Airport at dawn, I am covering my eyes for my three colleagues and cannot talk. Later same morning on the 3rd and last part of the trip from Stavanger to the destination Aberdeen, I fix my arm to fit next to the bulky Stevenson cello flight case while using the leg-space in business to put up my boot which is still in mud from yesterday’s play in the forest. I try to understand. I was just here in Scotland for 6 weeks, came home only to go on a Swedish tour, now I am back another 5 weeks, home for one and then back in Sweden for Christmas after an agreed UK-tour on the far side of the last residency period. I have a new-born baby girl at home. How could it come to this. I am frozen in my seat and ignore the stewardess.
At the time I blamed my first wife for not coming with me to Scotland, later I realized I put myself in a position that I did not have the maturity and courage to handle. The choices I made gave me a fantastic professional career and possibilities I did not knew existed, but it also played a huge part in our divorce with me missing out most of my daughter’s life. Linnea told me 2 years ago she only remembers a few minutes with her both parents together. I know she is forever marked by my choices, and I am stuck in the loop of cursing and trying to forgive myself.”
I have something I want to talk to you about.
From the time I became a teenager, my reconciliation process began with my father, your grandfather. Me and my mother have had our processes too, but it was much less complicated and something we could talk about over the last 10 years of her life as we even went to therapy together.
I was thinking now when I was out with the dogs, when did the process with dad end? I concluded that the process never really ended, not even now when he has been gone for 10 years. It hits me from time to time, suddenly I see or understand a connection with dad that I can be both happy and sad about.
Why am I saying this now? Well, understanding who one really is and wants to be, is a lot about understanding one’s childhood and the relationship with the parents.
I was member of a successful string quartet, and our international career really took off just soon after you were born. In 1995 we stayed 5-6 months annually at the university of Aberdeen where we had our residency, and between the residency periods we were touring Sweden and Europe. I could not resist the quartet career, and the reason deep inside was that I subconsciously thought that being member of an internationally successful string quartet was the best way to get my father’s love and acceptance. It is gruesome and horrifying now to admit that this drive was stronger in me than saving my own little family, even to be a father myself.
When you were 18 months old, we separated. You stayed north of Stockholm, and I moved to south of Stockholm. I have very clear memories of that morning when I left; you on a blanket on the floor smiling to me, your mother sitting in the kitchen crying while I sat in the living room chair numb and paralysed while my best friend was waiting outside with the stuffed car.
When you became 3-4 years old you and your mother moved to north Sweden, and you and I have endless memories of those cursed crushing breakups that are all brought to life every single time we part ways until this very day.
You have memories of minutes together with both your parents. Not even hours. This is so heart-breaking and of course I cannot even understand how it feels deep inside for you. You have been so sad and disappointed in me so many times when I have been absent while we are together, and you are still very sensitive when you feel that I am absence.
You probably have very strong feelings about all of this, feelings that exists deep in the core of your soul and that easily get activated through your own life via situations and choices you face.
You are the most wonderful daughter a father could ever wish for, and I am so very happy and proud for you: The woman you have become, the way you live your life with your man, your family, and friends, and to see just how important you are for all these people which tells a lot about your great personality. And even if we do not meet so much you and I due to geographical distance, I am so thankful for the close contact and deep understanding we have. And by the way, good job for not hating classical music – both your parents being cellists.
Hopefully we will both play for you summer after next.
Finally, this is for you:
I need to talk to you
our trip so similar
Long ago
your loving smile before parting
And now
we understand the long story we both are part of